My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
