you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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