U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
how drunk are you?
Several
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
