I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
