You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
