Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
