Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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