the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize