Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
