I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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