I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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