PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
