Your face is a jimmy john
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need a beard to bite.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
