I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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