This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
