There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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