she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
