"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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