used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize