My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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