who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
