I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
