Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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