There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
