I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
