she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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