She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
whose parrot is this?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
