There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
