i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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