you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
