i already hear my dad disowning me
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
