I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
