I can text with my tongue
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
