I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
