Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
