if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
