dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
