I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The Olympian is in my bed
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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