i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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