1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
