just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
