Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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