she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize