Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just googled if crying burns calories
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't turn off my feet"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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