So drunk its hurt
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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