happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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