The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
