Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
