just tell him i said nine months
It's like God shit irony all over that family
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We're too hungover to prance.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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