Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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