Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Randomize
