I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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