what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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