My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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