So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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