I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
