so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Found the puke drawer
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
