have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Randomize
