My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dick very happy bro
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
