I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
