I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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