this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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